originally published: 2012-03-06
In the dream, I was walking with Graham over the rooftops of some closely-set buildings which collectively formed the structures of the university at which he lectured, and at which I was an occasional student.
We were lightly discussing various things, including things we planned to attend together. He mentioned that there was a lecture series coming up called, “Invitation“. Just the one word, and when he said it, the word floated in my mind, bold and capitalized. I told him I should very much like to attend the lecture series with him.
He was walking a little ways ahead of me, hands clasped behind his back, head thrust forward, and without turning, he nodded and said, “Good.”
Then he half-turned, looked at me directly and said, “Are you coming along?” Then he turned back and briskly crossed over to the next building, by means of a narrow stone bridge, spanning the vast chasm between the two buildings. I gaped at the gap. The bridge was like many a single-file narrow stone bridge in fantasy narratives (think Thou Shalt Not Pass in LotR, or Indiana Jones: Raiders of the last Ark) The bridge was painted a turquoise blue, and I could see it was textured like a swimming pool bottom. Graham was waiting for me on the other side, but I hadn’t started to cross over yet.
I hunkered down and started an existentialist conversation with myself, wherein I identified I was scared to cross the gap, and roundly called myself chicken-shit for experiencing that fear. I told myself that when I was younger – I would have walked across fearlessly. I berated myself for worrying about falling, when I had never fallen in my youth. The dream dissolved with me still mentally beating myself up over my inability to rise to Graham’s challenge to cross the chasm.
I think this dream is about Graham challenging me to fully commit to and wholly embrace the Faith I have now found and am developing, and my fear is still the fear of change. If I cross that gap, I can’t go back. I know that if I look down/back, I’ll falter, and won’t be able to recover as easily as I might have done when I was younger.
Then I realized I could apply this to Simon crossing the water out to meet Jesus, and when he looks back, he starts to drown. Then I was sort of messed up.
I have been very self-conscious of my Faith lately, analyzing things that I’m saying now – asking myself if I would have said them the same way before, or if people might think I am only couching things this way because I am developing Faith. My parents taught me that people who think this way/to think this way is to succumb to one of the most prevalent mental illnesses. I am struggling to find my own Truth, and to leave that behind. I keep looking back, and the before-me tells the now-me, “What are you doing, are you nuts?” and the now-me starts to slip.
I guess I still don’t know what waits for me on the other side of the chasm, but I also know I can’t crouch on this side (or worse, on the bridge itself) forever, sooner or later I have to cross.